So I’ve been reading a few threads recently on a forum I frequent, around the topic of unicorn hunting.
At BiCon this year, I kept being teased for being a ‘Unicorn.’
Huh? I’m not a mythical, white horse-like creature with a horn. So what is a unicorn, in this context? There are various different definitions, but the general consensus is that a ‘unicorn’ is a young, attractive, bisexual, polyamorous female, who is willing to join an established couple. (Some definitions include criteria like being a BDSM submissive or being willing to be exclusive to said couple, while always coming second to the needs to the ‘primary relationship.’)
Nowadays I probably wouldn’t start newly dating a couple (at least they’d have to be really special for me to consider it, and even then I doubt I would,) but I have been seeing S and A since 2009. So the joke was that I’m their unicorn.
(All of this led to this wonderful quote during a drinking game:
Friend: Never have I ever had unicorn sex!
Me: …..do you want to rephrase that?)
Now this was all in good fun, of course, and I didn’t mind at all!
Reading these threads recently, and the usual plethora of messages inviting me to be someone’s ‘third’ have got me thinking about the prevalence of ‘unicorn hunting’ within polyamorous community and the issues surrounding it. To clarify, I have absolutely no issue with MFF triads in and of themselves. If that’s your dynamic, then great! Specifically it’s this ‘established couple trying to find a hot bi babe to join them’ thing which I dislike.
Now I, personally, run a mile when I get even a whiff of unicorn hunting. The frequency with which I get messages on various sites saying something to the effect of ‘we [established couple, usually heterosexual male and bisexual female] are seeking a third to complete our family… is that you?’ is, frankly, unbelievable. Do these people actually believe anyone will go for this??
Sexual and emotional exclusivity to one couple, both of whom we must love absolutely equally? Only being allowed to take part in threesomes, while the ‘initial’ couple can still have sex with just each other? Hell. No.
I have many issues with this ideal. My biggest problem with it is that it’s blatantly objectifying. This kind of attitude is all about trying to put another person (almost always a woman) into a box you’ve created for her. It’s not about the person as an individual. It’s all about using somebody as fulfilment for your fantasy. I don’t feel special or wanted when a couple has clearly spammed their generic message out to every cute bisexual woman within a three-hundred-mile radius. When I know they’ve just seen the picture and possibly read as far as “female/21/bisexual/same continent.”
It’s not just online, either. It’s more common online simply because of the accessibility of the internet and the ease of messaging someone….. but these kind of approaches are not exactly unheard of at ‘real world’ events, either.
Unicorn hunters are easily the second-biggest offenders when it comes to objectifying, obnoxious approaches (just behind male self-identified Dominants.)
So often I hear/read of people wanting advice on how to find their ‘third.’ “We’ve been searching for so long, to no avail! What are we doing wrong?” So some advice on ‘unicorn hunting,’ straight from the mouth of a unicorn? Don’t. Please, just, don’t. Most of us young, bi, poly female type people collectively roll our eyes when we hear that phrase ‘my wife/girlfriend/partner and I are looking for a bisexual woman to complete our family!’
The whole ideal is also seriously unrealistic. Demanding that whoever you find love and be attracted to you both absolutely equally? I’m sorry, but human attraction cannot be legislated for like that. Personally, I’m very rarely attracted enough to a man to get involved with them on more than a friend level, and though I find it easier to be physically attracted to women, even more rarely do I meet a woman I click with on a deep enough level to pursue a relationship. The chances of these two people being the two halves of one pre-existing couple, are about….. one in a million. At most.
So that’s my
rant comment on the phenomenon of unicorn hunting. As always, I’d love to share your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree or some combination of the two!
This will probably be the last proper post before Christmas. Something a little more lighthearted coming up shortly which will hopefully make you guys smile!