Questions NOT To Ask A Polyamorist (And Answers More Polite Than You Deserve If You Do)

“So which of your partners is better in bed?”

This is the absolute height of rudeness, and I am stunned that anybody needs this to be pointed out to them. The truthful answer from my perspective is “I don’t understand viewing one’s partners in this way. They’re different people. I love and value each of them for the whole of who they are, and physical intimacy with each one is unique and wonderful in its own way, for its own reasons. Breaking it down to simply ‘which one’s better?’ is objectifying to them and demeaning to the deep, complex and wonderful connections I share with them.” Would you think it was okay if I asked you very personal questions about your sex life when I don’t know you well? No? Then don’t do it to me. Thank you.

“But if you HAD to pick just one…?”

These ridiculous hypothetical scenarios wind me up more than almost anything else. In the life I’ve chosen with the loves I have, it seems somewhere between ‘highly unlikely’ and ‘just not going to happen’ that I’ll ever need to “pick just one!” This is the equivalent of asking a parent “so which of your children would you pick if you could have just one?” It’s a vile question to ask. Please don’t do it. Thank you.

“You’ll settle down with just one eventually though, right?”

This is the same as saying “it’s just a phase!” It is possible, though I think highly unlikely, that at some unspecified point in the future I’ll decide monogamy is the right path for me, for a short or long period of time. Really, the worst thing about this is the assumption that one cannot be ‘settled’ with more than one person. Actually, I’m very happy with Nomad and T and have no intention to add any more partners to my life for a long time… nor to end either of my relationships. So I suppose, in a sense, I am “settled down.”

“What about the children!!??”

My answer: I don’t have any. I don’t want any. None of my partners have any. Not a relevant point.

More generic answer: There has never been a single study which conclusively suggests that polyamorous families are harmful to children. The few children I’ve known who grew up with openly polyamorous households certainly didn’t seem any the worse for it, and I’ve even heard some comment that they feel they have many parents as a result. Children don’t necessarily need straight, monogamous parents – children need loving, supportive and involved parents. How is MORE of those a bad thing?

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What annoying questions do people ask YOU all the time? Comment with them, and I’ll do a follow-up post!

NaNoWriMo 2012: Dealing With Polyamory in Fiction (Part 1)

It’s almost November, which can mean only one thing: NaNoWriMo 2012 begins in less than 12 hours!

For anyone who isn’t familiar, NaNoWriMo stands for “National Novel Writing Month” and is essentially a challenge to create 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days, during the month of November. For more information, check out www.nanowrimo.org. If you decide to join the madness, add me as a writing buddy; my screen name is the same as everywhere (miss_amaranth.)

What the heck does this have to do with Love is Infinite?, you probably don’t ask. Well, this year I decided to deal with polyamory as a theme in my novel! Details are still being hashed out in my head, and will be decided as I go along, but the basic storyline will follow a woman whose estranged ex-husband tried to take their child away when learning she’s in a polyamorous relationship.

I’m really anxious to do a good job of presenting polyamory in a positive-but-realistic light in the story, which means not shying away from the issues it can present, but still showing it as a valid and viable life choice. I’m particularly interested in the legal aspects of this story, as a case like the one I’m writing about has never – as far as I know – happened in the UK. As such, I have no data on how such things would be likely to turn out. (If anyone knows anything about UK family or custody law and can give me some pointers and perhaps later act as a proof-reader for legal snafus in the book, I will repay you in eternal gratitude, cuddles and cake!)

I’ll update here once a week during November, and let you guys know how things are going and talk about any of the challenges (and joys?) of dealing with polyamory in fiction.

So, dear readers, what would you like to see in a novel about polyamory?

Sexism and Misogyny and Fail (Oh My!)

So I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t click on a link entitled “How slutty can you be and still trick someone into loving you?” Turns out the reason is that I’d be led to a horrific article in the Daily (Hate)Mail and be forced to rip it to shreds on here for the enjoyment (or something?) of you guys!

Okay. So the actual title of the article is ‘Can First Date Sex EVER Lead to Long-Lasting Love?’ A great start, I’m sure you’ll agree – scare-capitals and all.

Good news for anyone who’s ever opened their eyes to find themselves lying next to someone they met the night before: turns out you haven’t necessarily blown your chances of long-term love by sleeping with someone on the first night.

Okay, two things going on here. Firstly, what’s with this “opening your eyes and finding yourself there” stuff? Oh yeah, it’s the culture of drunken hook-ups. I am deeply disturbed by the fact that we live in a culture in which it is only permissible to have casual sex, or have sex early on, if you’re too blind drunk to be in control of your decisions. Clue: if you don’t remember it, you weren’t capable of giving informed consent. Secondly, God forbid anyone – or a woman, anyway, since this piece is aimed at women – actually want a low-key fling or some casual sex! It always has to be about True Wuv Forever And Ever (or else you’re a slut.)

A new American study of 640 adults in Chicago has unearthed a surprising result: couples who slept together on the first night were just as likely to end up happy long-term as couples who put off doing the deed until they became more serious.

“Doing the deed?” What are we, twelve?

Good news for all the not-so-good girls who spend the next day’s ‘walk of shame’ paranoid and panicking that the guy won’t call because he got what he wanted.

Hello, gender stereotypes! Because men only want sex, and women have sex to try to force a man to fall in love and then sit around wailing and waiting for him to call, don’tcha know? Also, fucking hell – “walk of shame?” Seriously?

Sometimes, you meet someone and it just feels so right and so natural, sex just happens. We’re all adults, right? Isn’t it a bit old school and anti-feminist to wait for sex? In some ways, yes…

NO GODDAMNIT! It is not “feminist” to wait for sex, OR to not wait for sex, OR any of the myriad of other choices. Feminism is about choice. I hereby request demand that the sexist idiots who write this stuff do not appropriate the term ‘feminism’ for their thinly disguised misogyny.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

…but I’d still advise postponing it, at least for a little while, simply because once you sleep with someone, there’s no excuse for not doing it again. You’re instantly thrust into a far more intimate space than you were.

CONSENT! Do you speak it? Consent, agency, free choice, the right to change one’s mind or withdraw participation at any point? I suppose these are much too advanced concepts for the world in which men only want completely meaningless sex, and women only want True Wuv, and relationships are just a struggle between these two never-compatible opposites.

Ideally, we’d all date each other (minus sex) until both are reasonably sure you’re compatible, want the same thing out of the relationship, and most importantly, think you might make each other happy. This requires logical thinking and objectivity.

Ideally, we’d live in a world where this bullshit wasn’t plastered all over one of the widest circulating publications in the country. Ideally, we’d all have the free choice to conduct our relationships and sex lives the way we choose to, without being shamed if we “put out” too much or too often.

Good sex rather effectively robs us of both instantly. It’s extremely difficult to look at your new partner sensibly and objectively while their tongue is working its way up your thigh.

… I don’t want my thigh licked, thanks. (Sorry.)

Psychologists call this ‘lust blindness.’ You get to involved with your partner’s body, you forget to look closely at the person inside it. It’s how people end up emotionally involved with people they later find out are bad for them – the “I don’t like him but I’m in love with him” feeling.  No-one falls in love with a nasty piece of work when they’re thinking straight.

Oh, that explains everything! The reason I fell in love with my ex even when he abused me wasn’t anything to do with the headfuckery and the mind-games and the way he could be so lovely sometimes and the fact that I was basically a child! It was all because I slept with him too soon! Thank you so much for clearing that up. Way to totally minimise and trivialise the experience of abuse survivors. Way to blame the victim there. If we weren’t all such sluts, we’d only ever fall in love with men who were good for us!

But if you put your brain on hold and get involved with their body, you can stumble out of that glorious, lust-infused haze, rub your eyes and find you’ve made all sorts of commitments and promises to someone who wasn’t worth getting intimate with in the first place.

I just…. fuck this. This myth that sex makes us incapable of behaving like fully functional, adult human beings, that having sex is the route of all bad or misguided or unhealthy decisions? Fuck. This.

Reading this and the horse has already bolted? Another key finding of the study published in the Journal of Social Science Research was that for love to blossom from first-night sex, both people had to be open to the idea of a committed relationship.

NO SHIT. For a relationship to work, both people have to be open to having a relationship? I just… I don’t know where to go with this. People get PAID to figure this stuff out? Clearly I’m in the wrong career.

So instead of plotting a hasty embarrassed exit, you’re actually better off staying put and snuggling up. Let them know you want more and you might just find your one night stand turns into a long, lovely relationship.

Y’know… if you want to! But oh no, you’re an evil horrible slut now and the only way to redeem yourself is to make him fall madly in love with you!

Okay. I’m done now. I quite like this finding-things-full-of-fail-and-ripping-them-apart thing. If you guys enjoyed this one, I might do it more often.

The User Manual Project (Or: Care and Feeding of Your Jess)

Something a little bit different today! I got this idea from an older episode of Poly Weekly, and know lots of people who have done it since. I think it’s just brilliant. Everyone, I think, should come with their own user manual: a guide on how to connect with them, how to treat them, and what they’re like as a person. Whether it’s written down or just stored in their head ready to share with people as necessary. So here it is; it’s something I’ve been working on for months, on and off, and is still very much a work in progress, but I present to you… the User Manual for the Jess!

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Need-To-Knows: Things I Identify As

Woman: I’m cis (born) female, and identify strongly as such.

Bisexual: I like both men and women, in different ways, for different reasons.

Queer: Because my sexuality is more complicated than just the above.

Polyamorous: Happiest in loving, committed relationships with more than one person at a time.

Sapiosexual: Attracted to intelligence, passion, and people’s minds.

Demisexual: Likely to feel sexual attraction only in the context of a strong emotional bond.

Switch: In the kink/BDSM sense.

Feminist: I believe that things are not yet equal for women in our society, and I strive to fight to change this.

(Bloody hell, that’s a lot of labels. I am also significantly more nuanced, interesting and complex than any list of identities can hope to show.)

Need-To-Know: Things I’m Passionate About

My special people. My loves and friends mean the whole world to me.

Writing. The one love in my life I know will never leave me.

My education. My ambition is to have a PhD before I turn 30.

Travel.

LGBT and women’s issues.

Need-To-Knows: My Past

I was bullied a lot at school – vicious, deliberate hate-campaign constantly for twelve years kind of “a lot” – and as such my self esteem was shattered for a long time. I’m rebuilding it slowly and am much better than I used to be, but I think self-loathing might be something I’ll always struggle with. Know that if I go through a phase of being really horrible to myself, it’s how I genuinely feel and I’m not doing it for attention.

I had Bad Scary Abusive relationships as a teenager and young adult, most notably one that was emotionally and sexually abusive for about five and a half of the six years it lasted. I am slower to trust these days, but still like to think the best of people – be trustworthy and treat me well, and you will win my faith easily enough. The biggest effects these experiences left me with are a nervousness around sex – I need to take things slowly with a new person – and deep-rooted fear of being left suddenly, after years of being threatened with just that to keep me in line.

I suffer from mental health issues, specifically depression and SAD. I’m on excellent medication, but managing this is still a part of my day-to-day life.

I’m a recovering cutter. Right now I’m on eight months since I last harmed myself. I have never, and will never, A) do it in front of anyone, B) blame anyone else for it. I also understand and would like to know if talking about this with you is a boundary for you.

How To Connect With Me Emotionally

Contact me regularly. In serious relationships, I like some contact almost every day (unless pre-arranged otherwise,) even if it’s just a quick text to say ‘thinking of you.’

Be passionate – I don’t care much what about. I love people who love life, who have something they feel really strongly about. Tell me your passions, and ask me about mine.

Have a sense of adventure. I’m an adventurer – I love travel, seeing and experiencing new things, exploring new places, trying new hobbies, foods or whatever. Take a random adventure with me, plan and take a trip with me, share your stories of places you’ve been or things you’ve done or things you want to do, and I’ll happily engage with you for hours.

Show me that you love me for me, not just my body. Yes, I am a normatively attractive, blonde 22-year-old woman, but there is a lot more to me than that. Too many times, I’ve got involved with people who didn’t see me as anything beyond “hot.”

Be willing to apologise and admit when you’re wrong. Listen, accept my apology and be able to forgive me when I am wrong.

Be there for me when I’m hurting. You don’t have to fix it. Sometimes a cuddle, a cup of tea and a chat, making me laugh to take my mind off it is more than enough. Equally, let me be there for you when you’re hurting.

Let me meet any existing partners of yours – bonus points if they reach out to me themselves! Likewise, introduce me to your friends/family. Let me be a full part of your life.

Stay up talking with me late into the night. Share your stories and your secrets, listen to mine and keep them safe.

Make me laugh. Be silly with me. I treasure private jokes and those times I laugh until I can hardly breathe.

Flirting

I am completely, utterly and totally flirt-blind. So please feel free to say “Jess, I am flirting with you right now.”

Don’t expect flirting to necessarily lead to anything else. I sometimes flirt just for the joys of it. Bonus points if you clarify your wants/intentions, super-bonus points if you ask me mine.

Pay me a genuine compliment; if you think I’m pretty, like what I’m wearing, find me interesting, like my writing, or really agreed with that thing I said in that workshop…. tell me!

Physical affection and touch is lovely. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, gentle stroking/caressing, massage, arm around, hand holding…. all of these are absolutely lovely if I like you! (I’ll also cuddle and be affectionate with people I like but am not necessarily sexually attracted to.) If at all unsure if I’d welcome anything, please ask first. If I’m amenable, I’ll respond enthusiastically, if not I’ll politely say no, but still be flattered that you asked – you will never offend me by asking.

For the right person, playing with my hair will turn me into a big happy melted puddle

Options for Jess-friendly dates: lunch, brunch or dinner, a nice café or coffee shop,  drinks in a quiet bar/pub, a munch or LGBT/bi/poly social, Pride, gay-bar-ing, theatre, museum, local tourist spot or place of interest, hang out at my place or invite me to hang out at yours,  taking a walk somewhere pretty, show me around your town or city.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I’m not going to list my particular sexual interests, kinks etc. here. (Sorry if that disappoints you! You’ll find these out as we get to know each other, if it seems like we might end up playing together.)

Basically, I’ll do certain types of sex with people I like a LOT, other types only with people I’m in love with. Please do not be a super jerk and tell me you love me if you don’t, just because you think it’ll get you laid. This will break my heart, reinforce my insecurity that my greatest worth is my body, and mean there is absolutely zero chance of me coming near you ever again.

[Male-bodied people in particular] Show me that you know sex isn’t all about intercourse! It can be wonderful, yes, but there is a whole world of sexual possibilities out there, of which intercourse is only one part.

I take things s-l-o-w-l-y in the sex department. Unfortunately, this has cost me a few partners and potential partners. If you want to win my heart, you need to let me know you’re okay with this and then back it up with your actions.

Safe-sex is absolutely non negotiable. I expect you to be getting tested regularly, be honest with me about your safe sex practices and how many people you’re involved with, and condoms for intercourse go without saying. Trying, or seriously suggesting, unsafe sex with me – even once – will guarantee I will never play with you again.

Things NOT To Do (Emotionally)

Ignore me, give me the silent treatment.

Hold my past mistakes against me when we’ve supposedly moved on from whatever it was.

Walk out on me. (Ditto hanging up on me.)

Treat me like the dirty little secret. I get that not EVERYONE in our lives necessarily needs to know if we’re sleeping with each other, but forcing me to hide or pretend not to be your partner tells me that you’re ashamed of me… even if you’re not, it’s a horrible thing for me and is fast becoming a harder boundary.

Make any reference, ever, to the people who bullied or abused me being right, or me deserving it. I am a little amazed this needs saying, but past experience suggests that it does. This is an instant deal-breaker.

Things NOT To Do (Physically)

Tickle me. EVER.

Touch my wrists or my neck without explicitly asking me.

Grab me when I’m not expecting it.

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….Extra categories may be added as and when I think of them, and things may be changed around as appropriate. As previously mentioned, this is a work in progress.

Feel free to steal the template for your own User Manual, if you like… or make up your own! If nothing else, it’s a brilliant exercise in self-knowledge.

J.xx

New Love, Metamour Meeting, and Poly Joy!

Short ‘n’ sweet blog post this time – I just have to share my Happy Poly Moment from this last weekend (really, it would be more accurate to say it was an entire Happy Poly Weekend!)

So I should back up just a little and mention that I have a new girlfriend, who I will refer to here as T. We met at BiCon and have been ‘officially’ girlfriends since 1^st September. She’s wonderful and she makes me really super happy!

This weekend, I went to visit her – she lives in Brighton, so we are trying to share the travelling between us. We spent an absolutely lovely night together on Friday night. We went out to dinner, I bought her flowers, she played me a song she wrote about me. On Saturday I met her boyfriend W, my metamour, for the first time – and I do not exaggerate in the least when I say it absolutely could not have gone better! W is lovely and we got on like the proverbial house on fire. He brought bouquets of flowers for both T and me (how cute?) and we all talked and talked and talked for hours. We have running in-jokes already, there was no weirdness or awkwardness, I felt nothing but joy seeing the two of them together, and the night ended with the three of us all snuggled up in T’s bed (also lying in until 3 in the afternoon on Sunday. Bliss.)

I’ve been smiling intermittently all day, remembering.

xxx <3

My OpenCon 2012

(Picture – Osho Leela, the gorgeous venue for OpenCon-UK.)

We – my awesome housemate, her equally awesome partner, two lovely visiting friends from the Continent, and me – step through the door of Osho Leela and are immediately greeted with hugs. One of the organisers shows me to my dorm, and it takes me about three seconds to dump my stuff, pull off my travelling clothes and redress in a floor length velvet gown, rush back downstairs and throw myself into socialising. There are lovely people. There are hugs and greetings and catching up and trying to remember names. There is tea and brownies. A short while later, there is dinner, Osho Leela’s signature wholesome, vegetarian deliciousness.

The welcome talk begins at nine. The organisers say some words of welcome, talk about the controversial gender-balancing policy[1], and discuss what will happen over the weekend. My co-facilitators and I stand up and say a few words on our upcoming workshop on “Community Responses to Abuse,” and the OpenCon “Wall of Voices” project[2]. After this, we are divided into “Pods” – small groups who act as points of contact and support to each other over the weekend. My Pod go into the coffee shop area to chat, and spend a pleasant half hour getting to know each other.

When Pod time breaks up, I grab a towel and head to the sauna. Hanging out naked with lovely people in a sauna is something that should happen more than once a year, because it is Totally Freaking Awesome. When I duck outside to cool off, it is raining; I stand in it, enjoying the simple, blissful pleasure of feeling the water falling on my skin and the coolness of the October air.

After the sauna, it is socialising time. I talk to lots of wonderful people and have many, many cool conversations. This event is the first time I’ve gone to something and had people go “ooh, you’re that girl who writes that blog!” I smile and blush lots when this happens. I am becoming Internet-Famous! I am very tired, so I head to bed at a reasonable hour (I’m trying this new self-care regime that involves listening to my body and getting enough food and sleep; it’s fantastic!) I drift to sleep in the room I’m sharing with three awesome, queer women.

I wake in the morning to the sun pouring through the big window of our dorm, laze around for a minute, and then get up and enjoy a shower in the women’s communal shower room. After a yummy breakfast, there is socialising, and a brief spot of being a Desk Minion, before it’s time for the first workshop: Dr Meg Barker’s keynote session on her new book, Rewriting the Rules. The discussion centres around the ‘rules’ of the mononormative and heteronormative world, which we try to break away from as non-monogamists, and then the norms and rules which the poly community creates. I think I have picked up two new favourite expressions: “crab bucket”[3a] and “poly grail,”[3b] thanks to this workshop.

In the next workshop slot, I run ‘Poly 101.’ We talk about our journeys into polyamory, lots about coming out, and some basic but oh-so-important skills for things like effective communication. It is awesome, and everyone contributes loads. I am a happy facilitator! I am also hungry by this point, and glad that it is lunchtime. The theme of ‘delicious food’ continues.

After lunch, it’s time for the Heavy Stuff, as my co-facilitators and I set up for our workshop discussing reactions to abuse within the community and how such terrible things can be effectively handled. It’s brilliant; difficult and emotional and painful and rage-inducing, but brilliant. People talk, really talk, about topics so horrible that we prefer, as a community, to ignore them a lot of the time. I feel as though we are joining and facing our collective demons together. In the next slot, there is no session I’m particularly excited about, so instead we head outside to enjoy the sun and the trampoline in the garden. There is bouncing, and then four of us lying on the trampoline looking up at the sky and talking and giggling about all kinds of things. Then someone brings us all tea, which just makes this whole situation even more full of Win.

Next, it is time to Talk About SEX![4] Or, more accurately, about attitudes to sex in the poly world, and particularly to people who choose not to have sex with lots and lots of different people. I come away feeling truly understood and accepted with respect to an issue that has been incredibly difficult for me in my journey through the Maze of Non-Monogamy.

Then the sessions are over, and it is time for dinner (in my opinion, this was the best meal of the weekend, though they were all amazing.) Dinner is followed by more socialising, and at 9 the OpenCon Open Mic begins.

I am simply stunned and awed by the level of talent in our community. We have musicians and poets and comedy, and every single thing is brilliant in its own way. My contribution is a very ranty poem/spoken word piece about the frustrations of being seen only as my body. People seem to appreciate it. After the awesome entertainment wraps up, I head to the sauna once more, and squeeze in alongside fifteen or so other people…. it is quite packed! An hour or so passes very pleasantly, naked and going between the heat of the sauna and the cool of the outside air. Bliss. Then it is time for more socialising, until my tiredness gets the better of me and I fall into bed at two in the morning.

Sunday, I am awake bright and early in time to shower and then head downstairs for breakfast. In the first session, I head to a ‘Dirty Talk’ workshop which turns out to be in equal measure hot and hilarious. I giggle lots, blush a bit, and come away a teeny bit turned on.

The second session is somewhat heavier; ‘Mental Health and Non Monogamy’ – but absolutely brilliant. I listen and learn a lot, and chip in a few points of my own. I am both saddened and heartened to hear of others’ experiences dealing with the realities of mental illness, and the validation of my own experience makes me want to cry.

Then there is lunch, the final communal meal of the ‘Con, and all too soon it is time for the final workshop – a discussion on safer sex. It is run by a community member who is a nurse, and I learn loads as well as taking part in some awesome discussion around communication and negotiations.

Finally, everyone piles into the main room in the house for the closing and goodbyes. Emotions are running high as people share their positive – and sometimes life-changing – experiences, and there is such an amazing vibe to the whole space. There are hugs and swapping contact details and thank yous and promises to keep in touch. When we reluctantly say our goodbyes and head out an hour or so later, I am exhausted but happy.

To everyone who was there, who made OpenCon what it was…. thank you.[5]

 

 

[1] Jess’s opinions on this have been shared with afore-mentioned organisers, and are being deliberately omitted from this space.

[2] A project in which attendees could write their experiences of abuse, whether experienced as a victim, a perpetrator or a witness, and share them on large sheets on the walls for everyone to read. The idea was to give people a voice who may have been previously silenced, and to show how rife this stuff is and how important it is to talk about it.

[3a] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality

[3b] Fairly self-explanatory; see also “Unicorn hunting.”

[4] This sentence brought to you by Gratuitous Capitalisation!

[5] …This is a footnote.

Let The Record Show…

It has come to my attention, in the past few days, that my ex appears to feel that I have made false allegations against him, and that I am not only a liar… but also an abuser myself.

(Yes, before anybody asks, I have read it. The comments, too. No, I will not tell you who was responsible for bringing it to my attention, only that I sincerely thank them.)

For a long time, I’ve avoided this topic in detail except with my closest people. I still don’t particularly want to hash it out in public space and I am not writing this in order to demand that anyone picks a side, but I feel that I must defend myself. This is not a counter-attack, but a defence against the things I feel I have been accused of.

I will not be quiet.

I’ve told enough anecdotes over the almost-year of writing this blog that I think you guys should have a pretty clear picture of what things were like from my perspective.

I was, and still am, willing to let some things slide as mistakes of youth, the result of growing up in such a fucked up culture without any positive role-models to learn from. Where is the line between emotional abuse, and just two people far too young to have an adult relationship saying nasty things to each other? The line is where you know the other person’s weaknesses, and deliberately exploit them… even admitting to doing so. Mistakes were made on both sides, and I absolutely acknowledge and regret the times when my own behaviour was less than perfect. Which was often. However, I felt on many occasions as though I was being systematically emotionally abused and manipulated deliberately.

Yes, I lost my temper and screamed at him when I found out he cheated on me for six months. I did not then, and have never in my life, raised a hand to somebody in anger. I am not a violent person and I was deeply shocked and surprised to learn that he was apparently afraid of my lashing out, when my memory of that particular situation involves me very quickly going into overwhelmed silence and leaving because I could not string a sentence together.

I speak the absolute truth when I say that I was repeatedly pushed, coerced or forced into sexual activity which I did not want, and to which I was not freely and enthusiastically consenting. I remember one particular occasion of being fucked while I was crying, after being told I

Sex, Virginity and Value

It won’t come as a surprise to any of my readership if I say that, as a culture, we have some seriously fucked up notions of sex and sexuality. We teach our men that they must get as many women as they possibly can, in order to be successful or attractive. Yet we teach our women that their value as a partner is directly inversely proportional to their level of sexual experience. How, please explain to me, does anyone win in this scenario?

In my first long-term relationship, it was made no secret that a good deal of the value I held in my partner’s eyes came from my total lack of sexual experience. Much later, after we started practising polyamory, I was told that I was effectively ruined because another man’s penis had been inside me. All my rational thought and all my feminist values tell me that this is completely ridiculous, but – like so many messed up notions – this stuff gets seriously internalised, and I find myself struggling incredibly hard to break away from it.

Let me be clear, this prejudice is directed internally, not externally. I am not disgusted by the women I see who have broken away from this. I am envious of people who can proudly reclaim slurs like “slut.” But for myself, I am not there yet. I struggle with a deep sense of inner shame because I have been sexual to some degree with -*cough*- people. I find it easy not to judge others on their number of sexual partners, yet virtually impossible not to judge myself.

For a long time, I’ve found the language surrounding sex – and particularly virginity – to be somewhat problematic. A woman’s virginity is supposed to be a precious, priceless gift that, once given away, will tie her to that man forever. Fuck, I don’t want to be tied to the man I first had sex with forever, thank you very much! (On the flip-side of this, virginity or a lower experience level in a man is seen as a sign of being less masculine, and therefore a bad thing. Once again, how does anyone win here?) Yeah, it’s true that you probably won’t ever forget your first time, but it certainly won’t be the best sex of your life. Possibly it won’t even be the most loving or meaningful sex of your life. Yes, absolutely, having your first time be with someone you love and who loves you is a wonderful thing, but you are not ruined if it happens in a way you regret. You are not less loveable to the next person you get into a relationship with. (And if you are, DTMFA, please!) You are not damaged goods if you don’t marry/spend the rest of your life with the person you lose your virginity to. This latter point, in particular, took me a long time to learn… and to some extent I’m still learning that my value as a woman doesn’t lie in keeping my “number” as low as possible.

If there’s one thing you have probably picked up on about me by now, it is that I am extremely soppy and sentimental. As such, I always want the first time with a new partner to be special, whether it’s my (or their) first time or ten thousandth time. Nomad went to great effort to make our first time together special, which meant more to me than I can easily say.

I think making sex special and meaningful should be a sign of love, not something that becomes less and less significant depending on the number of partners one has had. I might have had -*cough*- sexual partners now, but I still want people who get to sleep with me to value me for me, not for the fact that they think they get to leave their mark on me as their property forever and ever.

Is Polyamory “Polytical?”

I had an interesting discussion with someone at BiCon (sadly I cannot remember their name, if you’re reading and feel like identifying yourself, please feel free!) They pointed out that, just by existing, my relationship is a political statement. That by merely practising it, acknowledging it and talking about it, I’m an activist by definition.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this, and have been musing about it in my head ever since, and now I feel coherent enough to discuss here my thoughts on this subject.

I did not, to be clear, become polyamorous as a by-product of any deeply-held ideology or political identity. I didn’t set out to rebel against a patriarchal, heteronormative culture or to overturn the institution of marriage. I simply fell in love, and figured out the best ways to express that love, and then fell in love again. And again. I’m poly because, if there’s one thing in the world I am good at, it is falling in love. Quickly, deeply and repeatedly.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that – while it was not my intention – being polyamorous does, to an extent, do these things by default. (Well, maybe not the “overturning the institution of marriage” bit, but apparently the gays are doing pretty well with that!) (</immense sarcasm.>) By choosing a different path and an alternative lovestyle, one automatically rebels against patriarchy, against heteronormativity, against mononormativity… heck, against Western cultural normativity of any kind. This is particularly true if you choose to speak out publicly in defence of your choices (in which I include things like being open with your friends and family, not just appearing in newspapers or on national television!) It creates a level of visibility for practices that many people don’t even know exist. It offers an alternative option. It says, hey, guess what? The Disney-style hetero mono one-person-forever-and-ever-or-you-failed that our society feeds us isn’t the only choice!

I think choosing to do anything, particularly something as personal as your relationships, primarily for the statement it makes is unlikely to make you happy. It’s like trying to choose to be gay (or straight, or whatever) to make a point… it’s not going to work, because you are you who are. But you know what? In the culture we presently live in, simply having the courage to come out and say this is who we are, and we will not apologise is a massively important statement. Simply living a life apart from the roles we’re forcibly pushed into almost from the day we’re born is an act of incredible significance. The personal is political in this sense, and the smallest bits of activism can make all the difference.

Think about it. To you, living your lovestyle openly and honestly might seem like the most natural thing in the world. To somebody else, unhappy in these narrowly prescribed roles society gives us, but afraid to rebel against them, seeing you doing so joyfully and unapologetically might be all the push they need to realise there are other choices available to them.

And how cool is that?

The Three V’s of Effective Communication

Today’s entry was inspired by, of all things, a work course from a few days ago. During said course, I was introduced to a new concept around the subject of communication skills:

The Three V’s of Effective Communication

Visual:

Or in other words, body-language. This is the gestures you make when you speak; the way you might unconsciously place a hand on your heart when you say you’re sorry, or twirl your hair or play with a piece of jewellery if you’re nervous. It’s your posture – are you slouched, or sitting/standing tall? Are you leaning towards or away from the person you’re talking to? It’s your facial expressions, eye contact or a lack of it. Your emotions leak out through your body language, even if you don’t say a word.

I often say that I sometimes feel as though Nomad can read my mind…. but a lot of the time it might be more accurate to say that he can read my body, and infer from that exactly what is going on in my head.

Vocal:

The tone you use. Ever heard the expression “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it?” This is exactly what that well-used phrase is referring to. If you want to be calming, gentle or loving, you naturally speak more softly and slowly. If you’re angry, you raise your voice or shout. There’s a certain tone of voice that makes me want to run and hide, regardless of the actual words. (That said, there’s also a tone which can make me weak in the knees in a moment… Nomad knows the one! *mischievous grin.*)

Your tone when you speak will often betray how you’re really feeling. It will give away when you’re angry, upset, afraid, or really, really happy. It will give you away when you say you’re “okay” or “fine” when you’re very much not.

Verbal:

Finally, the actual words you say. Did you know that there is a theory which suggests that the actual words you say make up a mere 7% of what the other person you’re speaking to perceives?

According to this theory, Visual (body-language) has about 55% of the total impact on your communication, and tone 38%.

Food for thought.

Some final thoughts to take away from this:

1. This brings to light in a whole new way one of the reasons why DIRECT communication is so important. Think about it: if someone is playing the middle-man (say, the shared partner in a poly Vee, for example,) even if they relay perfectly word for word what was said between one person and another, so much of the intended message will be lost, as the person receiving the message will not have the benefit of the tone and body-language which went along with it.

2. It’s often useful to get someone to repeat back to you what they’ve understood by what you have said. It is amazing how often what somebody hears and what you think you said are not the same.

3. Face-to-face IS, in fact, the preferable choice (over phone, email, text, etc) for important communication when it is available as an option.

What are your favourite theories of effective communication?

In other news, I’m off to BiCon after work tomorrow! I might do an event write-up post when I get back.