So. It’s December 30th, and the end of the year and beginning of the new one is always a time for taking stock, taking a step back and having a look at how things stand and where you want to go next.
Since this is ostensibly a blog about polyamory, it seems as good a place as any to get this down. Basically, I’ve decided to be “monogamish” for a while. I can’t claim total monogamy, as alongside my relationship with Nomad I plan to keep my casual/friendly connection with S&A, but quite frankly, I have had enough of dating and trying to find relationships.
T and I broke up. I won’t go into details here, but suffice to say it was pretty sudden and a pretty devastating blow to me. It was a pretty short-term relationship, yes, but I genuinely loved her. And that’s my problem. I fall in love too quickly, and it results in me getting horribly hurt. I should be absolutely explicitly clear that my decision here is my own, following a long line of negative experiences, and in no way am I putting the blame on her. I still treasure what we shared and genuinely wish her well.
As time goes on, I am realising more and more that I don’t feel 0I have my trust issues sufficiently dealt with to be dating at the moment. Given that every single person I’ve ever loved, except for my beloved Nomad, has left me (at best) or been horribly abusive (at worst,) I’m really not seeing any reason to be trusting.
Similarly, when I date people, they expect sex. Of course they do. The last person I didn’t fuck on the first date followed it up by not speaking to me for eight months. I cannot and will not have sex with people I’m not in love with. It leaves me feeling cheap, dirty and used. At best, they’ll be briefly patient and then start expecting that I’ll put out – who hasn’t heard of the “third date rule?” Well fuck you, society, and your rules, I won’t be following them any more. If you want to get into my pants, you better damn well prove you’re worth it. And that means falling, and staying, in love with me. Sorry.
The community I loved and trusted has turned out to be full of fence-sitters and rape apologists when I speak out about my experiences. Given that it’s basically the only place I can reliably meet poly people (except for the internet, and let’s face it, online dating takes a different kind of time and energy,) I’m at a bit of a loss for where else to look anyway.
Please don’t try to change my mind. Please don’t tell me that there’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I know there isn’t, if it’s something that works for you. But for me, it’s a disaster. Don’t try to convince me that there are hundreds of people out there who will love me. I’m sure there are, but I haven’t met any of them yet. Please, please do not offer to be the person to change my mind. If I fancy you, you’ll know it. If I can see myself falling for you, you’ll definitely know it. Otherwise, just be a friend, without any ulterior motives or expectations.
I still identify as polyamorous at heart. Of course I’d love another relationship. I’m pretty lonely a lot of the time. In particular, I feel a void in my life when I do not have a close, intimate relationship with a woman. But dating over the last 18 months since EAB[1] and I broke up has done me sufficiently more harm than good. The pattern is the same. I meet them, I grow to trust them, I get super excited and think it’s love, then they fuck me over in some way.
So I’m stopping for a bit. I’m focussing my energy on my beloved, who I have come to realise is and always will be the love of my life, and on other things like publishing my novel and getting into grad. school. I don’t want to do this any more.[2]
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[1] That’s “Evil Abusive Bastard”
[2] For anyone who’s wondering – yes, I will be keeping up with this blog.
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your thoughts and experiences on your blog. It’s a great help to me. I do wish you well and send you good vibes on your path of healing. It is a brave thing to offer your heart, repeatedly, in spite of having it break over and over again. May 2013 bring you and Nomad strength and joy!x
On the “I still identify as polyamorous,” line — people say this all the time in the poly world but it pays to really read the words and take stock of them from time to time.
“Poly isn’t about how many people you’re dating, it’s just about realising that you are capable of loving more than one person.”
It changes nothing about whether or not there will be more than one person in your life who you do love, or who deserves your love and trust. Poly doesn’t make falling in love any less risky, or breaking up any less traumatic. It just allows it all to happen in parallel.
I still identify as polyamorous. I still have a few important people in my life with whom the level of intimacy would probably shock a monogamous person, but for the last year or so I’ve essentially had one love — my wife — and have consciously avoided putting my heart on the line with anyone else again. The emotional risks and costs don’t feel worth it to me. For that to change, someone pretty damned special would need to turn up. At least if they do I’m at least safe in the knowledge that it doesn’t signal an affair or divorce, and in the end that’s what poly means to me now: it’s a possibility should the circumstances arise rather than an ongoing lifestyle or practice.
I hope your current family helps heal you and brings you love and joy for years to come, and I do hope you do keep writing here.
You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. It sounds like you know what you need and are taking it. I hope life will give you the time you need to heal.
FWIW, I do the fall in love to easily thing also. I don’t have any ‘words of wisdom’ to offer – but sometimes it helps just to know you aren’t the only one.
loved the pictures!
Meh, “dating” has never really seemed like a worthwhile activity to me, all the best relationships I know (mine and other peoples) seem to have grown out of friendships over time rather than going in search of dates.
Do what makes you happy. Stick with that and you can’t go far wrong.
Hope you have a good new year, I’m assuming we won’t see you in Notts since firekitten is away, but have a great time regardless and hopefully will see you/Nomad/Cheshcat sometime in 2013.
Take care.
Hi there!
You know, everything you’ve said makes so much sense. And it makes sense for real-life poly, as opposed to imaginary poly. You know, because poly people get hurt and have feelings and sometimes are overwhelmed and need to get the hell away from it all for a while. The idea that we need to be constantly open and dating new people just feels.. ridiculous, y’know?
I agree very much with what Minstrel said. I think I’m polyamorous, but am still undecided about staying monogamous (when I get into a relationship) or not. I always find it inspiring when a person finds the motivation and resolve to do things their way instead of listening to all the noise (whether it’s true or bullshit) from everyone around them. I wish you all the best, and hope you have a great year!
I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with casual sex, but I do think there’s suffering caused by any sort of “using” or lack of respect. I look at using as taking a strong attitude that the other person should be only what you want and they should suppress everything else. Sometimes it’s “just a body”, but there can be emotional using too.
I think sometimes there’s just too much oversimplification. Sex can open things up, no matter how “casual”. Sometimes it’s wonderful, sometimes not. But sex is so rarely purely about sex, if you know what I mean.
I love casual sex, but I know exactly where you’re coming from with people suggesting that they know what’s best for you… I know external people are well-meaning but casual sex isn’t for everyone… just like committed sex isn’t for everyone. Right now I’m struggling with the fact that there is a guy who I actually have been on five or six dates with… who I like a lot… who I know likes me… but all of these things are not heartwarming to me. They’re signals to run, far and fast, in the opposite direction. Because I’m a casual person and he’s already calling me by endearing pet names. :S I can only envision his getting terribly, terribly hurt by my inability to commit. I think it’s fantastic that you are so aware of what is right for you.