So. It’s December 30th, and the end of the year and beginning of the new one is always a time for taking stock, taking a step back and having a look at how things stand and where you want to go next.
Since this is ostensibly a blog about polyamory, it seems as good a place as any to get this down. Basically, I’ve decided to be “monogamish” for a while. I can’t claim total monogamy, as alongside my relationship with Nomad I plan to keep my casual/friendly connection with S&A, but quite frankly, I have had enough of dating and trying to find relationships.
T and I broke up. I won’t go into details here, but suffice to say it was pretty sudden and a pretty devastating blow to me. It was a pretty short-term relationship, yes, but I genuinely loved her. And that’s my problem. I fall in love too quickly, and it results in me getting horribly hurt. I should be absolutely explicitly clear that my decision here is my own, following a long line of negative experiences, and in no way am I putting the blame on her. I still treasure what we shared and genuinely wish her well.
As time goes on, I am realising more and more that I don’t feel 0I have my trust issues sufficiently dealt with to be dating at the moment. Given that every single person I’ve ever loved, except for my beloved Nomad, has left me (at best) or been horribly abusive (at worst,) I’m really not seeing any reason to be trusting.
Similarly, when I date people, they expect sex. Of course they do. The last person I didn’t fuck on the first date followed it up by not speaking to me for eight months. I cannot and will not have sex with people I’m not in love with. It leaves me feeling cheap, dirty and used. At best, they’ll be briefly patient and then start expecting that I’ll put out – who hasn’t heard of the “third date rule?” Well fuck you, society, and your rules, I won’t be following them any more. If you want to get into my pants, you better damn well prove you’re worth it. And that means falling, and staying, in love with me. Sorry.
The community I loved and trusted has turned out to be full of fence-sitters and rape apologists when I speak out about my experiences. Given that it’s basically the only place I can reliably meet poly people (except for the internet, and let’s face it, online dating takes a different kind of time and energy,) I’m at a bit of a loss for where else to look anyway.
Please don’t try to change my mind. Please don’t tell me that there’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I know there isn’t, if it’s something that works for you. But for me, it’s a disaster. Don’t try to convince me that there are hundreds of people out there who will love me. I’m sure there are, but I haven’t met any of them yet. Please, please do not offer to be the person to change my mind. If I fancy you, you’ll know it. If I can see myself falling for you, you’ll definitely know it. Otherwise, just be a friend, without any ulterior motives or expectations.
I still identify as polyamorous at heart. Of course I’d love another relationship. I’m pretty lonely a lot of the time. In particular, I feel a void in my life when I do not have a close, intimate relationship with a woman. But dating over the last 18 months since EAB and I broke up has done me sufficiently more harm than good. The pattern is the same. I meet them, I grow to trust them, I get super excited and think it’s love, then they fuck me over in some way.
So I’m stopping for a bit. I’m focussing my energy on my beloved, who I have come to realise is and always will be the love of my life, and on other things like publishing my novel and getting into grad. school. I don’t want to do this any more.
 That’s “Evil Abusive Bastard”
 For anyone who’s wondering – yes, I will be keeping up with this blog.