There’s a really interesting phenomenon which, in all likelihood, you will never have noticed if you haven’t tried to live your life in a non-normative relationship of some kind. (Actually, it may have also bitten you if you’ve ever been single for a decent amount of time as an adult, whether by chance or by choice, but I haven’t been single since I was 14 so have no personal data to go on here.) And this is the phenomenon of what I like to call Couple Centricity. This manifests itself in many ways, and almost all of them can be potentially damaging.
The entirety of Western society is fundamentally couple-centric. Everything comes in pairs – from seats in public places, to ‘his and hers’ gifts. And, seriously, have you ever tried to book a romantic weekend for three? (Not that I have, but I dare to suggest it’d be difficult!) Single people are asked why they’re still single, even if they’ve happily chosen that path and are contented with it. Women, in particular, are treated as though they are somehow less than complete until they’re married or at least in a long-term relationship. Those of us who choose to love more than one – openly and honestly – are vilified for it, while serial-monogamously hopping from one partner to another is seen as absolutely fine. Just watch any romantic comedy (which I guiltily enjoy, even knowing they’re awful) if you want any further proof.
Even the everyday language used so thoughtlessly everywhere is couple-centric and hetero-and-mononormative. Consider phrases such as ‘my other half’ – as though you are somehow half a person without your partner. Or the word ‘taken’ to describe being in a relationship, which I hate with a burning fiery passion! My boyfriend did not ‘take’ me when we got together, thereby claiming me as his property. We mutually decided we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. I am not a possession to be jealously guarded and have to say what effectively means ‘sorry, I already belong to somebody else.’
Tacitly, as non-monogamists, we reject these notions and dare to explore the possibility of a brand of relationships which go above, beyond and away from the traditional one-man, one-woman couple. The problem is that even – or especially – in polyamorous communities, I see couple centricity all over the place.
Take, for example, the classic Primary Couple who decide that their relationship must be protected at all costs – even if that involves hurt and heartbreak for countless other people on the way. Consider the people who’ve called ‘veto!’ on their partner’s other relationships because they feel jealous or threatened or as though the new person doesn’t have enough ‘respect!!!11’ for them as top dog.
Even the much-mocked unicorn hunters display couple privilege and couple centricity the likes of which I have rarely seen. They treat the mythical creature they seek not as a human being, but as a convenient fulfiller of their fantasies. And if she doesn’t love, desire and fuck both members of the couple absolutely equally? Out!
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been treated as expendable and interchangeable because I wasn’t the primary partner. This is a perfect example of both couple-centricity and couple privilege, which is also a very real thing. This notion that the primary couple is the ‘real’ relationship and everything else is just a little bit of fun on the side is leading us away from happy, functional polyamory in which everybody involved gets their needs met, and towards a model of non-monogamy wherein secondary, casual or new partners are treated as Less Than, always expected to defer to the couple on things which concern everybody involved – in other words, to be there when convenient and go the hell away when not. As someone who has often entered existing relationships as the new partner, I can say from experience and with certainty that this is a brand of polyamory I don’t wish to touch with the proverbial thirty-foot bargepole.
Now I am not suggesting that being ‘couply’ or doing things just as a couple is a bad thing – quite the opposite, I am certain that all relationships need a certain amount of ‘just us’ time in order to thrive. What I am disputing is the idea of one relationship reigning supreme in the poly dynamic, and expecting all others to defer to them at all times and in all things. I am suggesting that we move away from a model in which there is one REAL relationship and everything else is just an expendable appendage, orbiting the sun of the Primary Couple, towards an inclusive model in which all relationships are real and valid and, while never looking the same or even necessarily being the same level of seriousness as one another, post on this coming up at some point) – are all given what they need to thrive to the best ability of all parties involved.
I propose that those who claim to be relationship radicals stop, right now, treating partners as throwaway commodities with the idea that if they get bored with one, or if one stops being exactly what they want them to be, they can toss them aside and be assured that the next one will be around the corner.
Like!
I like what you’re saying here, but I also think that if that’s how people want to have their relationships, so be it. Some people are totally fine with having a primary relationship and not so serious things “on the side,” and those people “on the side” sometimes are totally fine with being in that position. I totally see what you’re saying, but I also think there are so many polyamorous arrangements, we can’t judge them all and say that some aren’t right and some are…
Just my two cents
I do, however, agree with this:
“I propose that those who claim to be relationship radicals stop, right now, treating partners as throwaway commodities with the idea that if they get bored with one, or if one stops being exactly what they want them to be, they can toss them aside and be assured that the next one will be around the corner.”
Tossing aside when you’re bored, treating people as a throwaway commodity…That’s not cool. But if there are people “on the side” who are less-than-serious and everyone is ok with that and honest with themselves and each other, I see no problem.
Exactly. My point wasn’t that there is anything wrong with having more and less serious relationships… only that treating those less serious ones as expendable commodities whose feelings don’t matter and who are only there as long as they serve the needs of the primary couple is really fucked up!
Eh… I realise I’m looking at this from the outside but my impression of what “poly” meant wouldn’t included the “One couple with extras when convenient” situation. But then that’s probably because I’ve not met a significant number of poly people who think like this.
(then again, that could be because I have a limited number of data points since I’m only using examples that I met socially)
I suppose the question would is it a fundamental problem with poly society? or do you it’s just that there are two many self centred jerks around? (in both poly and mono societies)
I’d say both. I have run into the assumption in some poly groups that there MUST be a primary relationship. Other less blatant couple-focused assumptions also exist in the poly community. However much of the issue that this article is talking about is more caused by folks who can’t look outside their own view point as opposed to anything with in poly-society.
Reblogged this on polyatruelovestory and commented:
A lot of people I’ve seen that are “poly” seem to partake in the primary/secondary/tertiary… Dynamic. When Scot and I got back together, and especially when we got married, he wanted to be “primary” bc he’s the husband. And he felt this way for a long time even when Alan and I started dating. But I can’t work like that. Alan deserves just as much respect, devotion, and consideration in my life as Scot does. Neither one is more or less important than the other. If either tried to say something stupid like “you have to stop being with” the other, they’d quickly realize they’ve found themselves in quite a predicament. Because I refuse to do that. Neither is expendable. My love for each of them is full and complete and wholly separate from the other.
Scot I think is starting to realize what that feels like now that he has GG. Yes, I’m his wife and I was his first relationship, but his love and relationship with GG are just as important and valid and amazingly special. They’re spectacular together and completely made for each other. I’ve never seen him as happy as he is with her. Sparks fly off of them like a girl taking a belt sander to a steel chastity belt!
I would never in a million years think that I had the right to ask, or worse demand, that he break it off with her for any reason. If there is ever a problem between he and me, then it is something we have to work out or not work out. It wouldn’t affect his relationship with her. I wouldn’t want it to. I’m never going to pull the, but I’m the wife! Card. That’s just fucking ridiculous. We have to communicate if we’re feeling insecure or have some sort of issue or whatever, but that’s true of any and all relationships.
Your post hits very near and dear to my heart. My version of poly could never function with someone having carte blanche veto rights. My partner can discuss their reservations about someone and we will talk about what kind if compromise we can come up with together, but I expect to have an equal say in any and all things that affect my life. Because I can only control me- not anyone else.
My experience with local pagan poly people is similar. I watch them, and the majority “play” outside of their primary relationship with permission, but there are fewer to add a third. And when they do, they make to seem like the third really is third… one and two always come first. It’s part of why I never even looked at polyamory with any depth, until falling deeply in love while in a monogamous relationship.
Now, commited to two men equally, I find myself still perplexed by the play-then-ignore or thirds-come-third status quo.
Even things like supermarket products are often couple-centric. That said, during the period that I had a local partner (as well as my wife) she visited twice a week. We found the fact that Gü desserts unusually came in sets of three deliciously convenient.
Do you have children? If not, would your feelings on the subject be any different if there were children involved? You talk a lot about relationships but not so much about family.