“So which of your partners is better in bed?”
This is the absolute height of rudeness, and I am stunned that anybody needs this to be pointed out to them. The truthful answer from my perspective is “I don’t understand viewing one’s partners in this way. They’re different people. I love and value each of them for the whole of who they are, and physical intimacy with each one is unique and wonderful in its own way, for its own reasons. Breaking it down to simply ‘which one’s better?’ is objectifying to them and demeaning to the deep, complex and wonderful connections I share with them.” Would you think it was okay if I asked you very personal questions about your sex life when I don’t know you well? No? Then don’t do it to me. Thank you.
“But if you HAD to pick just one…?”
These ridiculous hypothetical scenarios wind me up more than almost anything else. In the life I’ve chosen with the loves I have, it seems somewhere between ‘highly unlikely’ and ‘just not going to happen’ that I’ll ever need to “pick just one!” This is the equivalent of asking a parent “so which of your children would you pick if you could have just one?” It’s a vile question to ask. Please don’t do it. Thank you.
“You’ll settle down with just one eventually though, right?”
This is the same as saying “it’s just a phase!” It is possible, though I think highly unlikely, that at some unspecified point in the future I’ll decide monogamy is the right path for me, for a short or long period of time. Really, the worst thing about this is the assumption that one cannot be ‘settled’ with more than one person. Actually, I’m very happy with Nomad and T and have no intention to add any more partners to my life for a long time… nor to end either of my relationships. So I suppose, in a sense, I am “settled down.”
“What about the children!!??”
My answer: I don’t have any. I don’t want any. None of my partners have any. Not a relevant point.
More generic answer: There has never been a single study which conclusively suggests that polyamorous families are harmful to children. The few children I’ve known who grew up with openly polyamorous households certainly didn’t seem any the worse for it, and I’ve even heard some comment that they feel they have many parents as a result. Children don’t necessarily need straight, monogamous parents – children need loving, supportive and involved parents. How is MORE of those a bad thing?
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What annoying questions do people ask YOU all the time? Comment with them, and I’ll do a follow-up post!
Here’s one I’ve been asked a few times:
“How will you stop yourself from being jealous?”
The “What about the children??” question is endlessly recycled to be a generic objection to anything out of the norm. It is still used — though hopefully on its way out — as an objection to same-sex marriage. Half a century ago, it was toted out in regards to interracial marriages.
It’s not really a question; it’s an objection disguised as one. And it’s one that, as best I can see, is an empty concern for every situation it is applied to.
But how does REALLY feel about that?
I *do* have children, and my reply is: “Oh, my god, a sexually satisfied and happy mother. Won’t somebody puh-leeeeease think of the CHILDREN!” Complete with the biggest eye-roll I can muster.
My least favorite: “Do you *share* her with your husband?”
Dude, she’s not a canape tray, you moron.
“I just don’t understand why she’s not enough for you” – I’m never quite sure how to respond.
Oh I particularly like the one something along the lines of “Do you think you’re like this because you need loads of attention from men to feel loved?” And other ways of basically pathologising the fuck out of my sexuality!