So I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t click on a link entitled “How slutty can you be and still trick someone into loving you?” Turns out the reason is that I’d be led to a horrific article in the Daily (Hate)Mail and be forced to rip it to shreds on here for the enjoyment (or something?) of you guys!
Okay. So the actual title of the article is ‘Can First Date Sex EVER Lead to Long-Lasting Love?’ A great start, I’m sure you’ll agree – scare-capitals and all.
Good news for anyone who’s ever opened their eyes to find themselves lying next to someone they met the night before: turns out you haven’t necessarily blown your chances of long-term love by sleeping with someone on the first night.
Okay, two things going on here. Firstly, what’s with this “opening your eyes and finding yourself there” stuff? Oh yeah, it’s the culture of drunken hook-ups. I am deeply disturbed by the fact that we live in a culture in which it is only permissible to have casual sex, or have sex early on, if you’re too blind drunk to be in control of your decisions. Clue: if you don’t remember it, you weren’t capable of giving informed consent. Secondly, God forbid anyone – or a woman, anyway, since this piece is aimed at women – actually want a low-key fling or some casual sex! It always has to be about True Wuv Forever And Ever (or else you’re a slut.)
A new American study of 640 adults in Chicago has unearthed a surprising result: couples who slept together on the first night were just as likely to end up happy long-term as couples who put off doing the deed until they became more serious.
“Doing the deed?” What are we, twelve?
Good news for all the not-so-good girls who spend the next day’s ‘walk of shame’ paranoid and panicking that the guy won’t call because he got what he wanted.
Hello, gender stereotypes! Because men only want sex, and women have sex to try to force a man to fall in love and then sit around wailing and waiting for him to call, don’tcha know? Also, fucking hell – “walk of shame?” Seriously?
Sometimes, you meet someone and it just feels so right and so natural, sex just happens. We’re all adults, right? Isn’t it a bit old school and anti-feminist to wait for sex? In some ways, yes…
NO GODDAMNIT! It is not “feminist” to wait for sex, OR to not wait for sex, OR any of the myriad of other choices. Feminism is about choice. I hereby
request demand that the sexist idiots who write this stuff do not appropriate the term ‘feminism’ for their thinly disguised misogyny.
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
…but I’d still advise postponing it, at least for a little while, simply because once you sleep with someone, there’s no excuse for not doing it again. You’re instantly thrust into a far more intimate space than you were.
CONSENT! Do you speak it? Consent, agency, free choice, the right to change one’s mind or withdraw participation at any point? I suppose these are much too advanced concepts for the world in which men only want completely meaningless sex, and women only want True Wuv, and relationships are just a struggle between these two never-compatible opposites.
Ideally, we’d all date each other (minus sex) until both are reasonably sure you’re compatible, want the same thing out of the relationship, and most importantly, think you might make each other happy. This requires logical thinking and objectivity.
Ideally, we’d live in a world where this bullshit wasn’t plastered all over one of the widest circulating publications in the country. Ideally, we’d all have the free choice to conduct our relationships and sex lives the way we choose to, without being shamed if we “put out” too much or too often.
Good sex rather effectively robs us of both instantly. It’s extremely difficult to look at your new partner sensibly and objectively while their tongue is working its way up your thigh.
… I don’t want my thigh licked, thanks. (Sorry.)
Psychologists call this ‘lust blindness.’ You get to involved with your partner’s body, you forget to look closely at the person inside it. It’s how people end up emotionally involved with people they later find out are bad for them – the “I don’t like him but I’m in love with him” feeling. No-one falls in love with a nasty piece of work when they’re thinking straight.
Oh, that explains everything! The reason I fell in love with my ex even when he abused me wasn’t anything to do with the headfuckery and the mind-games and the way he could be so lovely sometimes and the fact that I was basically a child! It was all because I slept with him too soon! Thank you so much for clearing that up. Way to totally minimise and trivialise the experience of abuse survivors. Way to blame the victim there. If we weren’t all such sluts, we’d only ever fall in love with men who were good for us!
But if you put your brain on hold and get involved with their body, you can stumble out of that glorious, lust-infused haze, rub your eyes and find you’ve made all sorts of commitments and promises to someone who wasn’t worth getting intimate with in the first place.
I just…. fuck this. This myth that sex makes us incapable of behaving like fully functional, adult human beings, that having sex is the route of all bad or misguided or unhealthy decisions? Fuck. This.
Reading this and the horse has already bolted? Another key finding of the study published in the Journal of Social Science Research was that for love to blossom from first-night sex, both people had to be open to the idea of a committed relationship.
NO SHIT. For a relationship to work, both people have to be open to having a relationship? I just… I don’t know where to go with this. People get PAID to figure this stuff out? Clearly I’m in the wrong career.
So instead of plotting a hasty embarrassed exit, you’re actually better off staying put and snuggling up. Let them know you want more and you might just find your one night stand turns into a long, lovely relationship.
Y’know… if you want to! But oh no, you’re an evil horrible slut now and the only way to redeem yourself is to make him fall madly in love with you!
Okay. I’m done now. I quite like this finding-things-full-of-fail-and-ripping-them-apart thing. If you guys enjoyed this one, I might do it more often.