Hello, lovely readers! Wow, it’s been a while since I updated here! Sorry about that, guys – it’s the end of term, so I’m currently in the middle of the ‘desperately getting everything handed in’ and ‘all nighters in the computer cafe’ stage. I am TIRED. Much as I love university and love my course, I will be rather happy when all this work is handed in at the end of the week and I can have a bit of a break.
Anyway, on to today’s post!
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‘You’re bi and poly. What’s the problem?’ I was once asked by a person who was interested in me when I very nicely turned down their advances.
What a horrible situation that was to be put in. I’d tried to frame it really kindly, stating that I simply wasn’t ready for a new relationship at that time (which was, for the record, absolutely true.) When that wasn’t accepted as a good enough reason to say ‘I’m flattered, but no, thank you,’ coming out and saying that I just wasn’t attracted seemed kind of…. harsh?
They grew increasingly aggressive. The implications became that if I would sleep with anybody who looked in my direction, why not them?
This little story, which was now long enough ago that I feel comfortable writing about it, got me thinking. Identifying as polyamorous seems to come with the assumption that I’m up for indiscriminate sex with absolutely anyone and everyone who offers. That my life is essentially one big orgy with hundreds of different people. Which is, obviously, not true.
Confession time: if we’re talking about full intercourse, I have had exactly two sexual partners in my entire life. Both I was in love with, and one I was engaged to. Talking about all the myriad of other possible types of sex out there, the number doesn’t increase by that many. There is one main reason for this, and that is that I actually find it quite difficult to find people I’m attracted to, and especially people I’m attracted to and also click with on a deep enough level to be able to develop any kind of romantic relationship. (I don’t do casual sex. At all.)
I am poly, and I am incredibly picky. Too picky for my own good, I’ve sometimes been told, though I’m not sure what that means. I don’t want to jump on everyone I see, contrary to popular belief about bisexuals and poly people.
It’s about a year since I made the decision to stop doing casual sex – but even when I was open to more casual types of connections, I found myself being incredibly choosy about who I would get involved with (which is not to say I always made good decisions – I made a couple of rather bad ones.) On more than one occasion, I’ve encountered situations where people – both within poly community and outside of it – have completely lost interest or stopped bothering with me when it becomes apparent that getting to sleep with me will take far more effort than they’re willing to put in, and even then probably won’t happen.
Another confession: sometimes I find it quite frustrating. Sometimes I wish I didn’t find it so difficult to meet people. Sometimes I even wish I was emotionally wired to be able to have casual sex. But I know that this is the way I am, so I work with it.
What do you guys think? Any experiences to share?