Of Sun, Sessions, Sex and Swimming (Or: My OpenCon Catalonia)

(Icon is a picture of the venue.)

It’s already dark when we arrive, and dinner is underway. There’s a wonderful warmth in the dining room as old friends, new friends and strangers chat, laugh and eat together. It engulfs me immediately and I forget that I’m tired. One of the organisers welcomes us, and we collect some of the delicious food and join a nearby table, sitting with some lovely people I know. A friend I haven’t seen in far too long soon bounces over to give me a hug and meet Nomad.

After dinner, it’s time for the introductory talk. Everyone sits in a circle on the patio outside, and takes turns to say a few lines about themselves and why they are here. I give a very abridged version of my introduction to polyamory, and manage to make people laugh. Then we discuss possible workshops and events for the weekend. The session wraps up as it begins to get too cold to stay outside, and Nomad and I unpack the car and settle into our room, then return to the dining room for socialising. The conversation meanders easily through polyamory, travel, astro-physics, languages, and the UK immigration system, among many other things. (For anyone who’s ever wondered what a bunch of poly people actually talk about when they get together, there’s one possible answer for you!) People gradually drift off to bed. Nomad and I call it a night sometime after two in the morning.

I wake up at eight to the sun pouring through the window. I’m so excited to be here and so high on ‘Con Energy’ that I don’t even want to hurl the phone at the wall to shut the alarm up. We begin the day in the best possible way, then I head over to breakfast while my beloved takes a shower. Breakfast is as good as dinner, and there is much tea – everyone knows the Jess needs tea to function properly! Over breakfast, I catch up with a friend, manage to learn a few more people’s names, and squee lots about the joy of being in this beautiful spot with all these great people.

Then it’s time for the first workshop: ‘poly beginners meet poly experienced.’ I’m not sure which I am, or if I’m really either, but I go anyway. I don’t say a huge amount, but I smile proudly when Nomad uses his fifteen years of poly experience to make some really excellent points, share some anecdotes and give some fantastic advice. The biggest thing I get from this workshop is the knowledge that while there are different levels of experience, none of us are experts, we’re all making things up as we go along, and there is never a point at which mistakes stop happening at all. The workshop happens outside, in the beautiful sunshine, under the shade of some trees. Wonderful!

The second session of the day is ‘speed-friending.’ This is rather like speed-dating, but done in small groups instead of one-to-one. Animal noises to signal when it’s time to move, courtesy of one of the session leaders, just add to the whole thing! I share discussions about music, the best places to live, and cheesy chat-up lines. With two workshops down, it’s time to go and change into my bathing suit and head back outside. We laze on sun-loungers and chat to lovely people, and when it gets too hot we move to the pool! I splash Nomad, and quickly realise this was a mistake when he retaliates by throwing me into the water! I come up spluttering and laughing, and then watch smugly as two people join forces to try to throw him in! This is just the sort of relationship we have. *grin.* We splash around and swim, then just hang out in the water with the fantastic L and D, talking about all kinds of things.

Lunch is announced. Nomad and I head to our room to dry off and change, then head to lunch, which is delicious once again. I chat in a small group about feminism. We rant about entitled men, stupid gender roles, and sexism within the community. They don’t look at me like I’m crazy, and I love it!

After lunch it’s time for Nomad’s session ‘Poly and the Outside World.’ A group of us sit around the big outside table and talk about coming out at work, dealing with being poly while raising children, and all kinds of social, legal and medical issues which being poly makes more difficult. I start pondering an idea to create a UK equivelant of the Alternatives to Marriage Project. (I’m still mulling this over, and wondering about the sheer enormity of this task, and possible ways to make it achievable.) After the workshop, Nomad and I spend a little time alone together in our room, and then he decides to take a nap. I head back out to see what’s going on, and find myself sitting with a small group in the sun, discussing the ever-fascinating topic of trying to explain polyamory to our families. People join us until our small group becomes a rather larger one! At six, I go and wake Nomad, but the workshop we were planning to go to is cancelled, so instead we hang out outside and splash in the pool a little more.

At 7, my ‘poly and kink’ workshop begins. It takes a little while to get going, and I am nervous as it seems some attendees are seeking a kind of ’101,’ and I haven’t prepared anything. But with the help of Nomad and a few others, the basics are explained and we get the discussion ball rolling. We talk lots about consent and communication and negotiations and all that awesome stuff, about the nature of the ‘scene,’ a bit about 24/7 power-exchange dynamics, and a bit about specific activities, and then quite a lot about various safety and safer-sex practices. Nomad finishes the session off with a brilliant brilliant point about how we should remember that what works for us is what works for us – there’s no status to be gained in competing to be more ‘hardcore’ than the next person, and anyone who thinks there is should set off every red flag ever. I am exceptionally happy with everything about this session, and I think I end up individually thanking about half the participants over the course of the evening! (If you were there and I didn’t thank you personally, then please accept my thanks now! Couldn’t have done it without you guys!)The discussion continues even after the workshop has initially broken up, and we end up with a table at dinner where we carry on talking about this stuff. (Because sex makes ideal dinner conversation, dontcha know?!)

Sadly, in the evening Nomad isn’t feeling well, so goes to sleep it off. I bring him tea, wrap a blanket around him, and pop back to check on him from time to time.

I spend much of the evening in mellow, socialising space. I am overdressed but feeling fantastic in my very floaty, flouncy, gothic coat – several people compliment me on it, then tell me I “win at poly” when I tell them it was a gift from my metamour!

The music begins, and there is dancing outside. I swish and swirl around in my long, long skirt, somebody grabs me and swings me around, we throw a ball around while dancing, at some point somebody lights candles by the poolside. I go inside for ten minutes, and when I return, I find… skinny dipping! My first reaction is ‘God, no, too cold!’ ….then I realise I will only live once, and shouldn’t pass up this experience. So I strip off and tentatively dip my toes in the pool. Someone tells me I’m beautiful, and I’m lucky it’s dark so they don’t see me blushing. I’m offered a hand, and then pulled straight into the cold, cold water! I shriek at the icyness of it, then laugh and catch my breath as I slowly become used to it. I splash about, hug people in the water, and throw the ball around to keep warm. I feel amazingly safe, and it’s an absolutely beautiful experience. Back inside, warming up and dried off by now, I am given a glass of delicious local orange-flavoured liquor, and we settle down in a circle to listen to my friend G read some of his poetry. It is by turns funny and moving and both, and I feel like I could happily listen for hours. After the poetry, there is singing. We are treated to a performance of a piece by a small group, and then we all sing Beatles songs. Somewhere after Let It Be, I realise I am absolutely exhausted, so bid everyone goodnight and head to our room. I find Nomad awake and feeling much better, so… sleep isn’t forthcoming for a while after all! A fact I am perfectly fine with! We drift off sometime around 4.

We wake early in the morning, and almost make ourselves late for breakfast again. (By oversleeping, of course. *Innocent face.*) We make it, though, and I bounce around far too energetically for 9am, fuelled by a combination of ‘yay!’ and caffeine. I decide I don’t fancy attending a very talky workshop, so Nomad and I go and laze around in the sun for a while, and then he jumps in the pool, and I join L’s bracelet-making group. I make a pretty friendship bracelet in the bi pride colours. I go and proudly show it off to Nomad, and join in the conversation he’s having with another attendee about…. you’ll never guess…. polyamory! *grin.*

Soon it’s time to get set up for our ‘Relationship Labels’ workshop. Now Nomad and I have been talking about this workshop ever since before we got together, so we are rather happy to finally get to do it, some two and a half years later! There is brilliant discussion about the primary/secondary labels, the nature of making up our own terms, the advantages and pitfalls of all kinds of terms – partner, lover, friend, sweetie, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc, and the ways in which labels themselves can be both useful and limiting. Nomad and I have a ‘sickeningly cute’ moment, which makes everyone laugh. The discussion seems as though it could go on forever, and everyone makes some brilliant points, which makes me really happy!

After wrapping up a successful workshop, we change into our bathing suits and head for the pool once more! We hang out and spend lots of time chatting with the awesome J, and someone brings us a delicious shandy-type drink. Then J teaches us how to hula-hoop! I am more than a little surprised to discover I seem to be a natural at it. I decide it’s probably because all the dancing has got me used to moving my body in unusual ways!

Nomad and I go to dry off and get ready for lunch and, um, get a bit distracted! During lunch, there is a discussion in ‘Introverts and Extroverts.’ It doesn’t go into that much depth, but is an interesting topic which I’d like to see a full workshop on at some point. Then comes the official closing, which is lovely and sad and touching and happy-making all at once. I feel an immense rush of happy to be part of such a fantastic community, to have been at such a wonderful event, and to have the most amazing partner ever there to share it all with me! There are goodbye hugs, and people start to drift away.

Nomad and I go off to pack and book our hotel for the night, and then head back outside. After a quick check of everyone’s comfort levels, a few of us go skinny-dipping one more time. It is slightly less cold during the day! Somebody brings us tea, and I am highly amused at drinking tea while naked in a swimming pool! The weekend’s theme of awesome chats continues – somebody asks Nomad about his work, and as he talks, people gradually stop talking and listen. I go inside, and when I come back, my beloved has a rapt audience of most of the remaining con attendees, all listening to him talk about particle physics. I think ‘awww, that’s my Love, yay!’ I am a very proud girlfriend in this moment!

At last, it is time to finish packing up and leave. We hug everyone who is left, load our stuff into the car, and wave goodbye to Can Fonsu. We talk about the ‘Con all the way to Palamos, where we’re spending the night.

I loved every moment of this experience – I learned so much, saw some great friends and made some lovely new ones, feel so lucky to have this community in my life, and even closer and more connected to my beloved partner.

Thank you.

Beyond Sluts and Prudes

(Yes, I’m aware this is an interesting follow-on to ‘It’s Not All About The Sex!’ But hey, what the hell. Let’s talk about the sex! Or rather, let’s talk about people’s attitudes to the sex.)

When people want to attack me for being polyamorous (or bisexual, for that matter,) invariably the first thing they come up with is “OMG, you SLUT!”

Firstly, I can reasonably assume that if somebody is calling me a slut, they’re attempting to insult me. I hardly think they mean Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s alternative definition [1] of the word. And what gives someone else the right to throw slurs around because of my choice of lifestyle? Yet they think they can, because we’re taught to believe there’s some kind of moral superiority inherent in sexual monogamy.

The most obvious response to being called a slut is ‘no, I’m not,’ but that really doesn’t tackle the underlying issues here. Another possibility is ‘and so what if I am?’ which digs slightly more into the question of why having (what is perceived to be) lots of sex is such a terrible thing. I’m still working out where I stand on the ‘slut as a reclaimed slur’ thing. In principal, I think turning around a traditionally derogatory term and identifying with it in a more positive way is a good thing, (among my many identities, I define myself as ‘queer,’ for example) but this particular term is not something that feels quite right for me personally.

Slut is thrown around as an insult because it’s often seen as one of the worst things a person (specifically a woman) can possibly be. Have you noticed the intense social importance of your NUMBER? (That is, of course, the number of people you’ve had sex with.) I’ve only recently begun to learn that my “number” isn’t something to be ashamed of or even something particularly important. The fact that it’s higher than zero or one doesn’t make me ‘ruined’ or a lesser person, and the fact that it’s lower than many people’s I know doesn’t mean I don’t match up in some way or have some level of “experience” that I need to catch up with.

What’s interesting is that, amidst being repeatedly called a slut, I’ve also been called a prude, or uptight, or ‘sex negative,’ more than a handful of times. I don’t have casual sex at all these days [2], and made a decision about a year ago to restrict certain activities only to people I’m in love with. For some reason, certain people – and, it has to be said, this comes from within poly space as often as from outside of it – seem to find this really threatening or even offensive, as though my choice is a direct attack on theirs. I am unsure why, as I don’t take a holier-than-thou stance on it, or judge anyone else who makes different choices. This is my decision, for me only, and what is right for me would not be right for somebody else, and vice-versa. Perhaps it is also quite telling that these accusations often come, directly or indirectly, from people who have tried to get me into bed and I’ve turned down.

I’m amazed that it still needs saying that it’s not okay to insult somebody or imply there’s something wrong with them if they don’t want to have sex with you.

Perhaps it’s simply that mainstream culture seems determined to shove all women’s sexuality into one of these two boxes. Slut or prude, virgin or whore, nothing in between. We know sexual orientation and gender are not necessarily binaries. So why, as a culture, do we persistently insist upon presenting women’s sexual choices as a strict one-or-the-other?

People who think I’m having too much sex/sex with too many people/more sex than them label me a slut (or even a whore.) People who I won’t sleep with, or who think I’m too picky, label me a prude. And, from what I’ve heard, this is very common of female experience, even in such supposedly progressive and accepting spaces as polyamorous community.

There’s a whole world out there in between these two extremes, and falling anywhere on that spectrum – including at one extreme or the other – is completely okay! I’m sick of being insulted for my choices. I’m sick of not being able to win. I’m sick of others thinking they know what’s best for me.

If I’m perceived as a ‘slut,’ I’m told I’m being used and taken advantage of by those evil men, because I couldn’t possibly want sex, because woman, right? If I’m perceived as a prude, I’m told I’m repressed and pitied by people who view themselves as more liberated than I am. What about the radical notion that true liberation comes from being given agency to make one’s own choices, and trusted to know what is right for oneself?

So I say no, don’t label me – don’t stick my sexuality into one of your narrow little boxes. I’m just someone who makes my own sexual choices based upon what’s right for me, at any particular time, and right now chooses to only be physically intimate with people I have a decent level of emotional connection with. Umm, is there a label for that?

_______

[1] “A person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”

[2] A post specifically on this will be forthcoming when I finish writing it.

It’s Not All About The Sex (No, Really, It Isn’t)

(Picture: part of last year’s OpenCon UK schedule.)

Cunning Minx of the awesome Polyamory Weekly podcast (which, if you’re not familiar with, you should go download a few episodes and listen right now, it rocks,) always signs off each episode with the phrase “…and remember, it’s not all about the sex!”

This simple phrase really gets to the heart of much of what polyamory is about for me – and a lot of what frustrates me about parts of the poly community, and about the outside world’s attitudes to what we do.

Time and time again, I watch people come into the poly scene with the idea that they’re entering a world where they can have sex with anyone they want, all the time, with no consequences or problems. And then they get disenchanted, frustrated or bored when they realise a polyamorous life isn’t a 24/7 sex party. I’ve heard people assuming that OpenCon – which is explicitly advertised as a not-for-hooking-up space – is a “giant fuck fest.” (“I mean, what else are a bunch of poly people going to do in a house for a weekend?” (Both more-or-less verbatim quotes.) These kinds of assumptions have the tendency to make poly space really unwelcoming to a lot of people. I find spaces where there’s lots and lots of hooking up – or expectations of hooking up – to be really quite threatening for a lot of reasons. I’m not0 even remotely anti-sex or anti-random-hook-ups if that’s what you’re into, but sometimes it’s really great to be in a space where I’m not assumed to be sexually available, or fair game for any man to come onto. People who expect or want all poly space to become “giant fuck fests,” and complain when they encounter a space where coming on to people is discouraged or overtly sexual public behaviour isn’t allowed, are in my opinion a big part of making the community less safe and accessible to lots of others. And that really isn’t okay.

What else can a bunch of poly people do in a big house for a weekend, anyway?

- Attend or host workshops to learn new things or just bounce ideas around.

- Have long, long, rambling, brilliant discussions.

- Hang out naked in the sauna (because nudity isn’t always sexual!)

- Hug on the lawn while looking up at the stars.

- Sit and cuddle on a sofa and talk into the early hours of the morning.

- Craft or knit while chatting and drinking tea.

- Walk around the pretty grounds, talking with a friend or having an impromptu photo-shoot.

- Catch up with old friends and make wonderful new ones.

- Talk and laugh and sing and dance and learn and cuddle and escape the outside world for a little while.

There’s a few examples for you. Enough to be going on with? For me, it was more than enough to keep me busy busy busy the entire weekend, and never wanting to leave! Personally, making it about hooking up would cheapen the entire experience and remove a lot of the feeling of absolute safety I get in that space.

Sorry if that offends anyone. This is only opinion, please feel free to use the comments to tell me why I’m wrong!

As for the outside world? Well. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this – the questions, over and over and over, that are all about the sex. “Do you have loads of threesomes?” “Who are you having sex with?” “Is it just an excuse to be a massive slut?” Even “so who do you have the best sex with?” (Yes, I’ve actually been asked that.)

This baffles me. It genuinely does. Because really, the nuances of my sex life are A) none of your damn business unless you’re either i) sleeping with me or ii) one of the people I’m close enough with to share this stuff, and B) really the least interesting thing, from an outside perspective, about my relationship dynamics. Ask me about how we communicate or manage time or deal with jealousy or negotiate or any of the other myriad of things that are part of this life and lovestyle, and I’ll happily babble on at you for as long as you want! Ask me for the details of my sex life, and I’ll either not answer at all, or answer in the vaguest, most general way possible. (And I’ll probably be trying really hard not to roll my eyes!)

I am not polyamorous because it gives me an excuse to have lots and lots of sex. I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but there is of course nothing wrong with having lots and lots of sex with lots of different people if that’s what you’re into. But to me, polyamory has always been first and foremost about love – about relationships and connections and building things which are stable, committed and long lasting. And that is so much more important to me than “having loads of threesomes” (which I don’t, anyway) or “justifying being a massive slut” (term somewhat problematic, I know – post tackling that is currently in the works.)

So guys, whether you identify as poly or not, take the advice of the Minx, and remember – it’s not ALL about the sex!

(No. Really. It isn’t.)

Was I Born This Way?

That’s right, guys – two posts in two days! I’ve got some more in-depth articles and opinion-pieces in progress and lined up, but this just came to me yesterday as a fun little topic that I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on.

So: is polyamory something we’re born with the inclination for, as innate as our sexuality? Or is it something that develops? Or is it a choice? Which was it for you?

When I tell the story of how I ‘became’ poly, I often say that I wasn’t always this way, or talk about my past experiences using the phrase ‘when I was monogamous….’ But having thought more deeply about it, and mulled over some past experiences that didn’t seem that significant at the time, I’m now having second thoughts about this, wondering whether I have, in fact, always had poly tendencies.

Story The First:

I was seventeen, Long Term Ex and I had been together – completely monogamously – for 2 years. At a friend’s party, I got talking to a guy who I’ll call J. He was really friendly and interesting (and bought too many drinks for my under-age self,) and we seemed to have loads in common, so we ended up spending half the night talking to each other. J knew I had a partner, but at the end passed me a piece of paper with ‘call me’ and his number written on it. Being in a relationship, I never pursued this – but I struggled with some serious guilt issues for a while because there wasn’t much getting around the fact that I kind of wanted to. I loved my partner and leaving him was the furthest thing from my mind, but I couldn’t help having the odd moment of wondering “what if?” What if I were single? “Free,” so to speak? Might my interest in J actually go somewhere? Of course it never did, but when I look back now it seems significant that my interest in somebody new did not in any way diminish what I felt for my partner.

Story The Second:

A few years back, also while with Long Term Ex, I had a good friend, who I’m going to call C. C had a crush on me when we first met, but we went on to become extremely close for a while. He was the third person, after my partner and best friend, who I ever came out to as bisexual. While nothing ever happened – again, I was in a monogamous relationship – there was always an undercurrent in my mind of a similar “what if?” to the one I had felt with J. If I’d been single, something very probably could have happened there. The feelings were certainly strong enough on my side, though I tried to suppress them because, once again, they made me feel horribly guilty. And – again – it didn’t diminish what I felt for my partner, or make me want to leave him in any way.

Story The Third:

Not so much a ‘story,’ really, as…. just a thing. Before I was practising poly, before I was even out as bisexual, I used to have vivid dreams/fantasies about just snuggling up and sleeping between my boyfriend, and a woman I imagined as my girlfriend – with two people I loved.

—-

So – is the tendency towards non-monogamy, towards loving multiple people at once, innate? Or are these just coincidental situations I’m reading too much into? Who knows? Does it even matter?

What about YOU, my dear readers? Do you believe you were born poly, grew into being poly, or chose to be poly? I’d love to hear your stories!

Body-Confidence and Polyamory

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who commented on the feminism post, whether here or on Facebook or even to me in person. Today’s topic is different but related.

I’ve been thinking about this one for a while, but only just now figured out exactly what I want to say on this particular topic.

I have always been extremely unconfident about my body. Getting naked in front of a new person/new people is still a Big Deal to me. I was on the wrong end of bullying for twelve of the first 16 years of my life, much of it centred around my looks – and something that is so vicious, and went on for so long, can hardly not have an effect that carries over into adulthood.

As a woman in this culture, it’s bordering on compulsory to hate your appearance. Just look at the magazines, adverts and other media targeted at women – it all tells us that our value is in our appearance, that we’d better be on a diet at all times or else, that we must buy all these products and go through all these time-consuming/painful/expensive (delete as appropriate) routines just to make ourselves acceptable.

The crux of this, in a (probably over-simplified) nutshell, is that our primary purpose is to be appealing to men. And this stuff gets internalised. You can think it’s utter misogynistic bullshit, as I have ever since I got old enough to start thinking critically about this stuff, but rational thought and logic and strong feminist views are not always impenetrable armour against a lifetime of having it pushed upon us that we’re all wrong, wrong, wrong and in desperate need of fixing. The world loves to tell us all about how our man will cheat on us or leave us if we don’t continue to match up to his expected standards of physical perfection.

What does this have to do with polyamory?

At first glance, not much. Look a little deeper, and… a lot.

What about trying to impress multiple people? What’s that like, especially when they’re demanding/expecting/requesting different things? I was once in a situation where one partner was telling me I was too fat (I wore a UK size 14 at the time,) while another I knew preferred curvier women and would have been deeply opposed to me losing too much weight. One loved my natural blonde; another wanted me to be red- or dark-haired. Bouncing between partners and getting a mix of “you’re great as you are” and “change this, this and this!”…. when desperately trying to keep two (or more) people happy, two (or more) sex lives on track, this is not an easy thing to navigate.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive to one’s partner, or making an effort to do so – that isn’t what I’m saying at all. I dress up sometimes when I go and see Nomad, because I know he enjoys it, and it makes me feel good to do. The difference is that I know he still loves and values me when I’m lounging around in pyjamas and a hoodie, or wearing sweatpants with my hair all scraped back for dance. The difference is that he doesn’t demand I change myself for him, or attack me for my appearance, ever. I suppose to a lot of people, it’s obvious that a partner shouldn’t do this. To me, it was a revelation.

So what have I gained from all this? Sometimes I feel like, after many years of struggles and self-loathing, I am starting to not only accept (and sometimes even like) my appearance, but realise that there are so many other elements of me which are much more important. This has largely come from deciding to no longer bother with people who expect that I change for them. Of course I want to be with partners who find me physically attractive, and I never want them to be afraid to express this – but I want to be with partners who find me attractive as I am, and even more importantly, who find value in me beyond my looks.

Basically, if someone wants me, they take me as I am – imperfections and all.

And if they don’t want me, because I’m not pretty/thin/hot/whatever enough, their loss.

Maybe, with so much of our culture insistent on telling us that there are so many things wrong with us, when it comes to romantic relationships we should stop trying to change ourselves for those who demand we be different, and spend more of our time on people who value our beautiful selves, and know that our beauty goes much further than just skin-deep!

Feminist Non-Monogamy?

“Non-monogamy is practised mostly by feminists/is a feminist act.”

“Non-monogamy is misogynistic, male-centric and abusive towards woman.”

 

If I had a pound for every time I’d heard one of these two – clearly contradictory – takes on non-monogamy, I would be a rather rich woman by now.

But it cannot be both. These two ‘facts’ cannot co-exist and both be true. So which is it?

…..In and of itself, it’s neither. It has strong potential to go either way.

Non-monogamy can certainly be misogynistic and male-centric, and all too often does indeed seem to fall into becoming so. Traditional (usually religious though not always) polygyny falls squarely into this category, in my book. (Sister Wives, anyone?) A form of non-monogamy in which The Man can have all the partners he wants, but the women must be faithful to him only screams of this.

(I’m not talking about actual, negotiated mono-poly relationships here, which I tend to be sceptical of but know can work, if done correctly. I’m talking about the enforcing of this kind of dynamic through any kind of system of unequal power.) I find this doubly frightening when it’s sanctioned by religion, law or some other ‘governing body.’ In these systems it’s about control, it’s about ownership, and that’s really Not Okay.

A really big part of this is, I think, tied up in the issues surrounding the ways that female sexuality is often viewed by our culture as being all about men. There are certain ways I see this manifesting over and over again in polyamorous or non-monogamous set-ups. These include, but are not limited to, the One Penis Policy[1], the ideal of the hot bi babe, and typically male-centric views of female/female attraction/sex/relationships (any other bi/lesbian/queer identified women who’ve ever been asked by a man “can I watch?” will understand what I mean here!)

The partner who told me I was ‘ruined’ because I’d had a penis that was not his inside me… the male partners who assumed any girlfriends I had would be down for threesomes with them…. the partner who lied to my girlfriend-at-the-time and told her he had romantic feelings for her “to get free sex” (yes, this actually happened, I find it hard to believe too)… all of these are manifestations of a form of non-monogamy which is highly misogynistic, sexist, and was specifically damaging to me as a woman. Once again, all things which bought into horrible societal systems of men owning women, of women owing their bodies to men, of women having no sexuality that exists independently of men. And these examples are just from my own experience – I’ve heard similar from countless other women.

Only in a system in which potentially unequal power dynamics are recognised and steps are taken to negate them is it possible to create a healthy and feminist (whether you want to call it that or not)[2] form of non-monogamy. This really doesn’t require huge, radical steps. It’s as simple as partners negotiating things as equals, truly listening to and communicating with each other, regardless of gender. It’s as simple as a man accepting that a woman’s sexuality is her own; that he does not own her, and she does not ‘owe’ him anything. (Surprisingly, though, there are huge areas of society in which these simple notions are seen as radical.)

So what does a feminist-friendly non-monogamy look like? I’m sure everyone will have slightly differing opinions on this, and I’d love to hear some of them.

For me? It’s largely simple things. It’s…

…when Nomad reassures me that he loves and values me, even if I’m not dressed up in a sexy outfit or wanting to have sex at that particular moment in time. It’s being wanted for more than just my body, being secure in the knowledge that my personality and mind and thoughts and interests are important.

…being given freedom to express my wants, needs and desires, and an equal voice in making any decisions or resolving any issues.

…not having my worth as a person determined by my sexual choices (either “too slutty” or “too prudish,” depending upon who you ask.)

…the freedom to date a woman, if I want to, without the assumption that this gives my male partners some kind of free pass sexual access to her (or, conversely, gives her male partners access to me!)

…being able to say ‘no’ to somebody, and not have them stop talking to me or fly off the handle about it.

There are many more examples, but these are just a few of them.

In conclusion, then[3], non-monogamy isn’t necessarily feminist-friendly, but it can be. And it’s so easy to practice a form of polyamory that isn’t sexist or misogynistic. And I sure as hell know which way I want my non-monogamy to go! (For that matter, if in some parallel universe I changed completely and decided to be monogamous, I’d want my monogamy to be feminist as well.)

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[1] I’ll do a longer post on my issues with this eventually.

[2] I’m aware not everyone reading this, and certainly not everyone who practices a healthy, respectful form of non-monogamy identifies explicitely as a feminist – so I’m going to use the term ‘feminist-friendly’ in addition to ‘feminist.’

[3] Term used loosely – I fully expect to come back to some of these issues and write more on them at some point!

Book Review: “Love You Two”

I just finished the book Love You Two by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, after hearing it discussed on an episode of Poly Weekly.

I think the book is primarily aimed at teenagers, but it deals with a lot of really interesting topics. Much of it is about growing up. It struck me that it would appeal to both adults in complex or unusual relationship structures, and to teenagers trying to discover who they are – and who their family are.

Sixteen year old Pina comes from a strict, Italian Catholic background, but her parents, Gianna and Ren, are laid back, free-spirited and very much in love. But everything Pina thinks she knows is turned upside down one night when she reads her mother’s email, and discovers that Gianna has also been in a romantic relationship with Nathan, a family friend, for twelve years – and that Ren is aware of and consenting to the arrangement.

I won’t give away too many story spoilers, but it includes a jerk of a boyfriend, a secret diary, a bisexual uncle, a chosen community, and a house known as Narnia. Throughout it all, Pina is forced to question her notions of relationships, love and family, as she comes to terms with what she has learned and what it all means.

I found this particularly interesting because, though it’s told in first person from Pina’s point of view, we also get snippets of Gianna’s viewpoint through her diaries. There’s a beautiful moment where she’s on a plane, and looks over the shoulder of the person next to her, who is reading a magazine, and sees an article on polyamory – and has a wonderful ‘I’m not alone’ realisation which I’m sure many of us will recognise.

One of the main themes in the book is “being watched” – having to hide, always imagining someone is watching you, and finding ways to escape surveillance feature repeatedly, something which I found particularly poignant and easy to relate to on a personal level, after keeping parts of my life in intense secrecy in the past. It also really beautifully – and sadly – illustrates the frustration and difficulties around being one person with your chosen family, and someone entirely different with your biological family.

All in all I really enjoyed this book and thoroughly recommend it. Due to being teen fiction, it’s a pretty easy read – it only took me about three days to get through. But it struck me as very honest, truthful and moving.

Have any of you guys read this book? What did you think of it? Any other poly fiction titles you’d like to recommend?

“I had one child, Giuseppina, then I had another, Leonardo. Did the love I feel for Leo take away from the love I felt for Pina? Was my relationship with Pina lessened in any way by the relationship with Leo? No and no. If we can feel this way for our children, maybe some of us can feel this way for the adults in our lives.

We are just family, loving and sharing our days, arguing and making up, managing the daily trivia and creating the bigger picture. Instead of a family foundation of two, we have a foundation of three – by geometric definition, says Ren, a much stronger base.”

(- pg 90)

The Neediness Dilemma

First, a little security notice: this week, I have started searching for graduate jobs, and as such have set my Facebook and Twitter accounts to private, as I am all too aware of the likelihood (read: near-certainty) of potential employers stalking me online. I do hope to be out as polyamorous in future workplaces, but that very much depends on individual situations, and I don’t want to risk sabotaging my chances before I even start.

SO – please, if you know me personally or know my full, real name, please do not link Love is Infinite to that name in any way online. Share this blog all you like, repost things, Tweet/blog/Facebook about it – I love it when you guys do that! All I ask is that you don’t link my full name, if you know it, to this page. When it comes to what to call me, Jess or Miss Amaranth is fine! Thank you for understanding, guys.

With that out of the way, one more quick announcement: Love is Infinite now has a Facebook page! If you’re a FB user, please click the ‘like’ button (left hand side of this page, under the Blogroll) for regular updates of new posts and any other poly-related content I find and share!

Oooh! Also! Also! Nomad and I have booked our places at OpenCon Catalonia! We’re making a little holiday of it and taking a few days to go sightseeing as well. I’m super excited! Any of you going to be at this ‘Con, lovely readers?

And now, onto today’s topic!

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The Neediness Dilemma

I’ve come to notice something of a contradiction in terms within the so-called ‘rules’ (term used very loosely) of successful polyamorous relationships.

I’m a very firm believer, as are most of the people I know in healthy relationships (poly or not,) that it is hugely important to be able to ask for what you want or need. This doesn’t mean, necessarily, that you will always get exactly what you want – but being able to express your needs, preferences and desires, and having them listened to and respected and met as far as is possible, is a fundamental part of good, happy relationships. After all, if we can’t express our needs, how can we expect our partners to fulfil them? They’re not psychic!

But who hasn’t ever been afraid of being seen as ‘needy’ in a relationship? I know I have, and it’s something I still struggle with on a regular basis. I like to think I’ve got the ‘knowing what I need’ aspect of things down pretty well. I’m always learning new things about myself, of course, but I am aware of things I need in order to be happy in a relationship: things which include regular contact even when we’re apart, regular face-to-face time, to be supported and encouraged in stuff I do, to take things s-l-o-w-l-y sexually, plenty of physical affection, to regularly be told I’m loved, to be kept in the loop about anything going on in my partners’ lives that may affect me (including, but not limited to, being told early on if they’re likely to be embarking on any new relationships.) There are more nuances and specifics which I won’t go into, and of course it varies somewhat with each relationship, but that’s a decent outline of the Care and Handling of Your Jess.

However, even though in theory I’m a firm believer of ‘ask for what you need,’ in reality I often find it very difficult to do. Why? Because I am afraid of being labelled as ‘needy.’ Even now, two  and a half years in, I sometimes get irrationally afraid of asking Nomad for something – like I’m a Bad Partner for having needs in the first place. Luckily, he is outstandingly supportive about listening to and validating my needs, and meeting them as much as possible (and helping/suggesting ways for me get them met when he’s not able to right then.) It’s an issue in new relationships, too. I am constantly afraid of potential new partners running a mile when they see that I’m not super-cool-laid-back-chick-who-never-needs-anything.

Of course, this might sound silly. After all, everybody has needs. I know that, as I’m sure we all do. Nobody is super laid back about everything all the time, and I know I wouldn’t want a partner who never expressed any of their needs or desires to me. But in our culture, and particularly as a woman, needy seems to be absolutely one of the worst things someone can be labelled as in a relationship. Us women are taught from a young age that our principal role is to make our (male) partner’s lives easier (those How To Please Your Man or How To Be The Perfect Girlfriend articles in glossy magazines, anyone?) We’re taught to relegate our own desires to lesser importance than everyone else’s, particularly men’s, that being a Good Woman is putting others above ourselves absolutely all of the time, and that being ‘needy’ (whether of time, affection, support, celebrating a special occasion, or whatever) is this Bad Evil Awful Thing that must be avoided at all costs – so of course expressing what we want and need is likely to be difficult!

(Why do so many of these things ultimately boil down to deeply-ingrained cultural norms and expectations?)

Everyone deserves to have their needs listened to, and to get them met if at all possible. As is so often said, one of the beautiful things about polyamory is that we don’t need to expect one person to meet all our needs, all the time. I’ve discovered since being with Nomad that having my needs listened to and taken into account makes me feel so much better about actually having them.

I suppose I just need to gently remind myself (often) that Perfect Girlfriend doesn’t exist, because nobody is perfect, and that being a good partner is not synonymous with ‘never wanting anything.’

Has anyone else experienced this particular internal conflict or struggled with ‘the neediness dilemma?’ I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Poly Joy!

This weekend was full of Happy Poly Moments for me. Really, it was an entire Happy Poly Weekend. I spent the weekend in Oxford (and in Shrewsbury a bit, too) with my beloved Nomad, his primary partner, and his other girlfriend and her best friend, who were visiting from Michigan.

Anyway, I had an absolutely lovely time, and enjoyed many joyous moments of compersion, as well as feeling completely safe to be as free with my affection with Nomad as I usually am. Simply realising I wasn’t holding back and being scared of blow-ups with every kiss, touch or bit of flirtation was unbelievably awesome. Similarly, watching my Love being happy with his visiting partner was absolutely lovely too. Even seemingly little things, like Nomad’s sweetie telling me she was glad I joined them for Sunday’s daytrip, meant so much to me. The sheer Lack Of Drama…. it was wonderful!

So that was my Happy Poly Weekend. I love love love moments like this!

Please share your own happy poly moments or experiences in the comments! Post as many as you like, however big or small! Let’s get a big collection of poly joy all in one place!

Getting Our Expectations in Line with Reality

The piece of wisdom “we need to get our expectations in line with reality” came up recently in one of my classes, in an unrelated context. However, the sentence sparked off a train of thought for me about how this philosophy can be applied to relationships, and polyamory in particular.

It’s a pretty simple formula, really. If reality meets or exceeds our expectations, we’re more likely to be happy or at least content. If reality comes in below expectations, however, we’re likely to be dissatisfied or unhappy. So in many ways, it makes sense to modify our expectations to be more ‘in line with reality.’ So how does this relate specifically to polyamory?

Well. Take poly newbies. Time and time again, I’ve seen people entering into polyamory for the first time, full of wide-eyed hopes for how wonderful it’s all going to be. I was there myself, something that feels like a million years ago. Perhaps the person who couldn’t prevent themselves from cheating thinks they’ve found a way to legitimise their behaviour. Perhaps a long-standing couple thinks all their issues will be resolved with the addition of new people. Perhaps someone simply thinks they’ve found the holy grail of complete sexual freedom.  But this way of thinking almost inevitably leads to disappointment, and often disenchantment with the poly lifestyle settling in fairly quickly.

If being poly negated every relationship problem ever, the whole world would be poly by now. Does it negate or lessen some issues? Yes, of course. But it brings with it a whole host of possible new ones – just like any relationship. We also have very little in the way of ‘roadmaps’ – we’re making it up as we go along. Going into polyamory believing it’ll give you complete freedom to do whatever (and whoever) you want with no problems or consequences is…. sweetly naïve at best, potentially devastating at worst.

When embarking on a polyamorous relationship, and even after living this lifestyle for months or years, things are going to hit you from time to time that you weren’t expecting. That is inevitable. Let’s take an easy example: jealousy. Somebody feels jealous. The idealist – and believe me, I’ve seen this so many times – is likely to tell their insecure partner ‘we’re poly, that means you can’t be jealous.’ Or, conversely, if the idealist themselves feels jealous, they are likely to bottle it up and not communicate with their partner(s,) telling themselves that they are a bad poly person if they feel/express any negative or difficult emotion. As you can imagine, neither of these scenarios tends to end well. Going into this type of this relationship with the idea that everyone will be fine with all things, at all times, is just unrealistic.

It’s just like going into any relationship, monogamous or not, and holding hugely unrealistic expectations which your partner will inevitably fail to meet. I’ve known people who went through partners at an unbelievable rate, expecting each one to solve all their problems. Of course, none of them did. When getting into a relationship, we must keep our minds open and see where this new connection takes us, rather than expecting each person to be the One True Love who will complete us and make everything perfect, and then throw them aside when they cannot match up to this impossible task.

It is right and reasonable to expect a partner to make you happy, make you feel good when you’re with them, love and support and cherish you and act with love and consideration in all things which affect you. They should not be expected to complete your life, meet all your needs, or solve your problems.

Polyamory, done right, can bring huge amounts of love, joy and happiness to your life and your partner’s lives. It can lead to the development of lifelong relationships and friendships, chosen family and community, teach you more about yourself, broaden your horizons and help you get a wide variety of needs and desires met. It cannot fix an ailing relationship, it cannot give you complete freedom to have sex with whoever you want, all the time, with no issues or complications, and it cannot and should not be used as a cover for bad behaviour in relationships.

My theory is that, whatever our chosen relationship style, if we try to have more realistic expectations of our partners and our relationships, we are less likely to be unhappy in the long run.

Thoughts?